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By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 20 February 2026.

The therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet says long-term couples often inadvertently ruin their love life. Here’s where you’re going wrong.

Most married or long-term couples want to have a fulfilling love life. And yet so many of them sabotage it and end up having little or no sex. Often they don’t realise that their unconscious fears, their beliefs and little habits are blocking their capacity for intimacy, desire and connection. People might avoid intimacy when they feel stressed. Or if there’s a misunderstanding, they shut down instead of communicating what they need. Or they criticise their body before their partner does.

The fact is that, contrary to popular belief, most sex problems are not technique-related. What I see in my clinic is that they’re more likely to be emotional, psychological or relational.

Your phone use is like a wall between you

You’re on your phone endlessly (yes, we know, it’s for work), often wearing noise-cancelling earphones. Do you intend to block out your partner? Because you’re making meaningful conversation impossible. Your partner might try to talk, but there are only so many times one begs for attention before giving up.

Silence creates resentment and distance. What you’re telling the other person is, I prefer my phone to you. People forget that emotional intimacy is foreplay. A lot of phone use is anxiety-driven, but if you want to feel calm, you’re applying the wrong tool. Ask yourself: “Why am I doing this? What am I trying to distract myself from or numb?”

Meanwhile, I’d suggest honesty from the other partner. “When you’re on your phone all evening, I feel so ignored. Is it possible to pay me a little more attention? It would make me really happy.” If you’re committed to changing — and connecting — go for a coffee or a walk together and leave your phones at home. And definitely put your phones away at least an hour before bed.

You never fully get out of work mode

Some people find it comfortable to live in the stress zone. They’re always in work mode. I find that a lot of high-flyers don’t know how to transition from the office into intimacy. But not only does chronic stress lower your libido, but it also lowers your partner’s — a tired and wired spouse is not sexy. For desire to bloom, both need to feel emotionally safe and relaxed.

Often, the person with the big career sees work as their safe place where they’re validated, appreciated, and feel the thrill of competing and winning. Taking off your clothes and thinking you’ll be rated (or not) by your partner is more frightening. Yet in sex, there’s no competition. Your guard needs to come down. Get out of your performance mindset. Think simply about creating a connection — seeing, hearing and feeling your partner. That’s what great sex is about. Fully commit. Start with a long hug. After 20 seconds, you’ll start to produce oxytocin. It’s such a feel-good prompt — you feel safe, wanted, at peace with yourself and the other person.

You’re overfamiliar: you clip your toenails in front of each other (and worse)

Comfort is beautiful, but overfamiliarity can deaden desire. There’s a difference between emotional closeness and the absence of polarity and mystery. When all is shared, unfiltered and exposed (going to the loo, farting like a trumpet), the erotic tension disappears. Desire thrives in a little bit of space. Are you too close, too comfortable with each other for that to happen? You can absolutely adore each other, but you don’t need to see everything. Close the bathroom door. Clip your toenails in private. Familiarity builds love, but it’s the mystery that builds desire — and a good sex life needs both.

You’ve stopped making an effort with your appearance (sorry, but I see this more with men)

When someone stops trying, the message to their partner becomes: “I have you, I no longer need to make an effort with how I look.” Complacency is a big turn-off. Looking after your appearance is not about perfection; it’s about showing that you value and respect yourself and the person you’re with.

It is, dare I say, often the men who, in long-term relationships, slob around in joggers, forget to brush their teeth and let their nasal hair run wild. The hard truth is that attraction is partly visual. Ask yourself, what do you do to maintain your body? Do you smell nice? When did you last wear aftershave? Do you look as though you respect yourself? Self-care is not selfish, and it’s not vanity. It’s an erotic responsibility. I sometimes ask clients: “Would you date yourself right now?” Presentation matters. Take pride in the way you look, and it will energise you — and your sex life.

Your sex routine hasn’t changed in years

You’ve been doing it in the same bedroom, at the same time, in the same position for more than 20 years. That’s routine-based extinction. Desire hates predictability. Our brains are wired for novelty. So when sex becomes a routine affair — like car maintenance — it loses its energy, until the point when it takes eight minutes from beginning to end.

I sometimes ask couples in my clinic, if your sex life were a restaurant, would you go back? And what would your rating be? Would you go for 20 years to eat the same low-effort dish? While many people prefer comfort over excitement, too much of the same thing leads to boredom and stagnation. Attraction requires effort, surprise, and a little risk-taking. That’s why the start of a relationship is so exciting. Get those dust sheets off your sex life. Have a bath together. Learn to flirt again. Make each other laugh. Ban the phrase, “What are we watching tonight?” Change pace. Stretch those eight minutes to half an hour. What will you do together?

You won’t let yourself be spontaneous

The bedroom is a mess, you feel irritated and couldn’t possibly. Don’t let perfection be the enemy of getting up to no good. If your unmade bed reflects a lack of effort and care that lately feels symbolic of your relationship, have the courage to acknowledge that. Are you angry? Is the mess a passive-aggressive way of making sure that the atmosphere is not conducive to intimacy? If you care, dare to start a conversation. But if it’s just that you’ve had a mad week and you’re the people who dump towels on the floor, don’t overthink it. Do a two-minute blitz if it boosts the mood, or let it go and focus on each other. If you have a good connection, who cares? Live dangerously — fold the laundry later.

One of the secrets to a good sex life is the ability to seize the moment. That time you did it in front of the bathroom mirror? There was a spark that made that happen. Nurture that mutual ability to recognise the moment.

Unless you’re having intercourse, you don’t kiss

There’s no kissing good morning or hello, no flirting (you’re all business, budget and bin duties) and no hugs. Then you want Love Story to occur? The truth is, in a long-term relationship, sometimes we don’t want to make an effort; we just want to get what we want. But the other truth is that having a long-term relationship with connection and intimacy takes work. It doesn’t happen when you are on autopilot. A hundred little things facilitate it, starting with feeling emotionally safe with each other, not awkwardly at odds, feeling undesired or living in parallel. If there’s ambivalence, it needs to be addressed. It’s important that you communicate what you need. Have the uncomfortable conversations, build emotional awareness. But maybe just bring them a cup of tea and kiss them. Tell them something you appreciate about them. Most people don’t sabotage their sex life because they don’t care; they sabotage it because being truly close requires vulnerability, and that’s risky. But disconnection costs you more than vulnerability ever will.

You’re spending too much time together

It might be that you’re both feeding this inertia. You like staying in. You like pottering together. It’s cosy, it’s safe, it’s easy — but it’s probably slightly dull and it’s certainly not passion-boosting. In fact, too much togetherness, sameness, and cuddling like best friends in the playground will kill your libido stone dead. Often one person isn’t quite as keen as the other, and all the clinginess becomes cloying. How can there be yearning and wanting when the other person is always right there, hanging off you? It’s unattractive. There needs to be separation to give your partner a chance to desire you.

You need to rouse yourselves to find separate hobbies. Whether it’s golf, ice skating, metal detecting or bookbinding, get out of the house, go your separate ways, spend time apart, then come together. This way you bring excitement, novelty, uniqueness and curiosity — an injection of the unknown (very sexy) into the relationship.

You’re a bit too scared of rejection to ask for what you want

You tell yourself you’ll get it on at bedtime, and now you’re both nodding off on the sofa after hours of television, and no more is said on the matter. And there’s no weekend “lie-in” — you have to walk the dog, see to the kids (who are all old enough to join the army) or get to the gym for an 8 am class. Call it avoidance, or setting yourself up for failure — the truth is, if you want to have sex, you make time. The biggest sex saboteur in this situation is fear. Fear of rejection, of abandonment, of not feeling good enough. So ask yourself, which is it? Are you afraid of having a conversation with your partner of decade,s or is it more to do with how you feel about yourself? I say to my clients that the first form of intimacy with yourself is awareness. Start from there. And on the next dog walk, take your husband or wife.

Lights off! You don’t like your body

Believing you’re undesirable is a huge saboteur of sex — no lights, avoiding certain positions, “don’t touch me there”. If you can’t love yourself, are you expecting your partner to resolve your problems? It’s tedious to be in the role of having to reassure, and to no avail. In the clinic, I ask: “What would it take for you to be kind to yourself about your body? What would it feel like to look at yourself with love and understanding?”

We internalise a lot of rubbish — from family, society, media or porn — about what we should look like, what sex should be like, who’s sexy or not. It’s all external noise. It creates shame and insecurity. That’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility not to let it sabotage your pleasure. We don’t live forever. As we grow older, bits sag — and worse, it behoves us to learn to be comfortable with every version of ourselves. What are you willing to do for yourself? Will you eat well, practise yoga or lift weights? If you don’t sow seeds, don’t expect a harvest. A lot of people disconnect from themselves. If you can reconnect, it’s transformative in the bedroom. Dare to ask for pleasure, and take it.

Neither of you is making the first move

You’re in a stand-off. Neither of you is initiating sex. Why? In the clinic, I ask: “If your sex life were to improve dramatically, what would you require to feel? What would it require you to risk vulnerability? Rejection? A loss of control? Emotional exposure?” I often see score-keeping in couples. “He did that to me, and I’m going to do it back.” It’s so easy to blame the other person. And when neither instigates a conversation (let alone sex), conflict remains unresolved. It kills desire.

It may be that we’ve shown them our internal world — shared a need or want — and our partner has reacted badly or tactlessly. So we’re afraid to initiate again because we want to protect our ego. But protecting your ego costs you your connection. Does your partner deserve to have you assume the worst of them? Did they intend to hurt you? Only if you can give them the benefit of the doubt can you end the stalemate.

Does your marriage feel unsafe? If so, you might be heading towards a divorce.

If you’re worried that the stress and responsibilities of life have started to unravel your relationship to the point where you no longer feel like the partnership is a safe space and divorce is the only option—that’s your body and your nervous system telling you something very important.

By the time many couples get to the breaking point, it’s too late. Divorce is the only choice, a final decision where all emotions are framed as a legal process.

For some people, this feels like the ultimate failure, while for others, a welcome freedom.

But long before divorce becomes solely about paperwork or negotiations, it’s an emotional process that can severely disrupt and dysregulate your nervous system.

The breakdown and dissolution of a once-loving, committed relationship are not only psychological but also physiological, and the body registers the shift long before the mind fully understands it.

When the person who once felt like “home” begins to feel distant, unpredictable, or emotionally unavailable, it disrupts safety, predictability, shared identity, and the subtle co-regulation that long-term partners provide for one another.

Even in relationships that have been strained for years, the possibility of losing that attachment can feel destabilising. You may notice changes in your sleep, appetite, and concentration. Perhaps there’s a tightness in your chest or an ever-present pit in your stomach. You might feel wired and anxious one moment, then numb and exhausted the next.

When attachment security is broken, the nervous system interprets it as a threat.

Understanding relationships through nervous system regulation doesn’t mean every disconnection leads to separation, but it does invite a deeper awareness of the signs that something fundamental may be shifting.

With this in mind, it’s important to recognize the early warning signals. Here are some of the most common reasons couples might be heading towards a divorce.

1. You’ve stopped arguing — but you don’t feel happier

Couples who are protecting themselves from conflict or feeling disappointed can start to numb out and emotionally withdraw. When this happens, the result is fewer arguments. This might look like progress in the relationship, but there’s a distinct difference between resolution and resignation.

When one or both partners stop bringing up relationship issues altogether, the nervous system, after repeated attempts to repair that have gone nowhere, may move into a protective freeze response where engagement no longer feels worth it and silence feels safer.

This kind of quiet resignation creates distance and signals ‘calm before the storm’. The longer disagreements are swept aside rather than worked through, unresolved tension often settles into the body as low-grade stress and over time, that stress becomes the new normal.

2. You feel safer alone than together

One of the most telling signs that your marriage is heading towards a divorce is a subtle feeling of relaxation when your partner isn’t around. You might find yourself exhaling with relief when they leave the room or when you learn they’ve made plans without you. Shared time feels heavy, obligatory and tense rather than warm and inviting.

This has nothing to do with needing personal space, which is healthy in any relationship, but about a shift in how safe you feel.

In securely connected partnerships, proximity regulates and presence soothes. Even during conflict, there’s usually an underlying sense of “we are on the same team, we’ll get through this.” But when that underlying safety erodes, the nervous system may begin to associate closeness with stress rather than comfort, and distance becomes a form of self-protection.

3. Conversations have become entirely logistical

The conversations are short and to the point. You talk about the children, the bills, the calendar, the house, who is picking up what and when, what needs fixing, what needs scheduling and nothing else that isn’t on “the list”.

You answer questions from each other as business partners, not intimate partners. There is little curiosity about each other’s inner worlds. Long gone are the passionate talks about future hopes and dreams, the vulnerable outpouring of fears and insecurities.

Couples who are no longer emotionally attuned to each other can’t co-regulate together because they are operating on different levels of trust and safety. We regulate through being seen, heard and understood. When conversations become nothing more than tasks and transactions, the relationship can start to feel like a business arrangement rather than a living bond.

The body senses this loss of connection, even if on the surface everything appears functional.

4. Intimacy feels uncomfortable

Intimacy is about much more than desire. Most couples’ sex lives fluctuate, ebbing and flowing for many reasons: stress, parenting, hormonal changes, depression, and illness. But when intimacy begins to feel tense, obligatory, or unsafe, it may reflect a deeper rupture in the relationship.

Maybe it’s your body tightening and pulling away when your partner goes to touch you. Perhaps it’s an irritation that you just can’t shake off, or it could be a complete shutdown resulting in a total lack of sex.

When emotional safety diminishes, physical closeness can feel too vulnerable and exposed, leaving no room for connection. In response, the nervous system protects you by bracing or withdrawing. Over time, finding your way back to your partner becomes increasingly difficult, if not impossible.

5. You’ve stopped asking for help

A committed partnership means sharing the load of life. When one person begins carrying everything alone, either out of habit or fear of disappointment, resentment can take over.

While self-sufficiency might feel empowering in the short term, when it replaces teamwork and the “we” of the partnership, the nervous system shifts into solo survival mode. Over time, this chronic over-functioning leads to burnout and emotional shutdown. There’s a loss of trust in each other and all expectations of shared support.

6. You fantasise about freedom more than repair

It’s perfectly normal to occasionally imagine a different life—maybe one of independence with simplicity and fewer compromises.

But when the fantasy of going through life solo feels more like a relief than the idea of working towards a stronger connection, that’s information you need to pay attention to.

If your body automatically relaxes when you think of a life free of your partner and tightens when you imagine staying in the marriage, it may be responding to something your conscious mind has not yet fully named.

None of these signs alone determines that divorce is inevitable. Relationships can be repaired, and disconnection can be reversed. But when several of these patterns persist over time, they often point to a deeper erosion of emotional safety.

The Loss of Shared Identity

Divorce isn’t just about the loss of a partner; it’s the end of the partnership and the “we”. Sure, you may have had ups and even more downs, but you also had a shared history and routines, inside jokes, future plans and dreams. When all of that shatters, the story you told yourself about how your life would unfold changes drastically, and so does your identity.

This fracture can feel incredibly disorienting because long-term relationships shape our nervous systems. Our partners become attachment anchors, and we regulate through shared rituals, predictable rhythms, and mutual reassurance.

When that attachment loosens, even if separation is the right choice, the body may experience shock, grief, panic, numbness or sudden surges of anger or sadness.

The nervous system does not distinguish neatly between “I chose this” and “this is happening to me.” Loss of attachment still registers as a threat.

How The Place Retreats Bali supports healing

Because divorce is not only cognitive, healing cannot be only cognitive. While talking and insight are both very important, without nervous system regulation, the body can remain stuck in hypervigilance or collapse long after the relationship has ended.

At The Place Retreats Bali, we believe that healing is about helping the nervous system integrate what happened and build a new sense of internal stability. Our award-winning retreats are designed to support you on every level. Our Balinese tropical sanctuary and safe relational spaces allow for regulation and healing.

Somatic healing at The Place Retreats Bali gently supports the body in relearning safety, while breathwork practices calm physiological arousal. Guided movement releases stored tension as grounding techniques anchor attention in the present moment. When the body begins to feel steadier, the mind can process grief more clearly, and decisions become less reactive.

Contact a member of ourexpert team today to learn how our tailor-made retreats can help you process and heal.  Because when love feels unsafe, the body speaks first.

By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 06 February 2026.

Not every encounter has to involve swinging from the chandeliers, says the therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet, but it’s key to staying connected.

The joy of sex is that it can be many things in a long-term relationship — it can strengthen your bond, soothe and reassure, excite and thrill (sometimes all at once). Depending on how you feel, and what you both need, there’s a wonderful menu to choose from, and successful couples make the most of that. Not every encounter has to make the chandelier shake. Even humdrum, socks-on sex leaves a warm glow. And when you learn to embrace your physical bond and all that it can give, your relationship will deepen and thrive along with your love life.

1. Maintenance sex

Maintenance sex isn’t about fireworks — it’s the technical round rather than the showstopper — but no less important for it. This is the sex that keeps the emotional and physical bonds warm, even when things are otherwise frantic or a little flat. It’s telling your partner, “I choose us, even when life is noisy and busy.” Twee as that sounds, it works because it prevents intimacy quietly disappearing without you realising, when you’re otherwise exhausted, running on parallel tracks, or feeling neglected and resentful.

I’d put scheduled sex in the same bracket as maintenance sex. I have couples who pencil it in the diary, once a week. Desire doesn’t always come before intimacy — sometimes it comes because of it. Carving out space for the two of you strengthens the relationship, and prioritising your physical intimacy is a statement.

That said, some people don’t like the predictability of planned sex, and certainly sex as an obligation is not attractive. While it’s often possible to get into the mood, if one really isn’t feeling it, wise couples simply reschedule without drama or sulking. Or perhaps they just lie close together.

2. Make-up sex

Make-up sex is a reconnection after conflict. I say to couples in the clinic, it’s when you allow vulnerability to replace defensiveness. Make-up sex shows your partner that you want to be close again. It releases tension, re-establishes safety and reaffirms desire after a fight or disagreement. Most importantly, it reminds both that conflict in your relationship doesn’t cancel love or attraction.

However, make-up sex needs to come after emotional repair — it isn’t a replacement for it. In films, it’s always portrayed as “instead of” — a recipe for eventual disaster, because if there’s no verbal demonstration of understanding or contrition, the rupture remains unresolved. If sex is just played as a get-out-of-jail-free card, the pain, the hurt, still sits in the other person and will resurface. A sincere apology — “I see how my words hurt you, I understand why that was painful, I’m committed to doing better” — is potent foreplay.

3. ‘We’ve still got it’ sex

“We’ve still got it” sex is found in the thrill of breaking routine, finding new locations and new roles. Most long-term relationships don’t fail because of a lack of love; they fail from predictability. Couples who put fresh energy into their relationship renew it. Novelty spikes dopamine. This kind of sex is about vibrancy, feeling alive, being daring and surprising yourself. It doesn’t have to be glamorous — irreverence and laughter count for a lot. One couple told me that they crept into their basement for a brief encounter while their teens were upstairs.

“We’ve still got it” sex reminds your partner that you’re still curious about them. It’s not about performance, it’s about creativity, being together and a willingness to show yourself. There can be silliness, teasing, even experimentation — though there’s no pressure, no shame. Playfulness is the shortest path back to desire.

4. Desire-driven sex

In a long-term relationship, the sight of your partner doesn’t always overwhelm you with lust. But when successful couples do feel a spark, they recognise it and fan it into flame. As one client told me, “I need to feel that mutual hunger and spontaneity.” It came as his wife stood on a chair to get the rice cooker from the top of the cupboard, and they seized the moment.

Desire-driven sex is the opposite of maintenance sex. It’s raw attraction. Couples remember they’re not just parents, meal providers, bill payers, bin putter-outers; they’re lovers. What’s key is that there’s no shame (the biggest passion killer) when either expresses it. It might be that you’re ready to go to a party, all dressed up, and one suggests a quickie. Responding “but my hair” is the wrong answer. Who cares? This will give you more of a glow. Strong couples do experience ebbs and flows of desire, but they don’t panic when there’s an ebb — they know how to invite it back.

5. Comfort or healing sex

In the clinic, I describe comfort sex as more about intimacy than intensity. It’s about feeling close rather than swinging from the chandeliers. If one of you is burnt out or feeling vulnerable, the message is “I care for you, I’m here for you, and this is how I show that there’s a deep connection between us”. It’s sweet, reassuring sex, and the engagement is soft, holding, reassuring. It’s not necessarily full sex. There’s no urgency about it; it takes its time and is more protective than passionate, letting the other person know how much they mean to you and that they’re still wanted, needed and desired.

Healing sex also falls into this category — it’s slow, emotionally attuned and about being present, especially during times of grief or transition. Sometimes words don’t reach. Touch can communicate care, patience, and presence. Healing sex prioritises connection over outcome. Especially after emotional or physical pain, it helps people to rebuild trust in their bodies.

6. Stress-relieving sex

Some people hold on to their stress. It’s an understandable defence mechanism, but physically uncomfortable and fatiguing, and it literally clenches you up. Sex and intimacy can be an amazing form of stress relief if you can be kind to yourself and allow yourself the pleasure. And it sometimes takes little to tilt the balance. But you have to let go a bit and consciously allow your partner to help calm your nervous system. Sex lowers cortisol and releases oxytocin — and when life gets demanding, it’s a swiftly effective and uplifting way that couples can, as we therapists say, co-regulate (help each other manage their strong emotions). Sex becomes supportive and soothing — a shared exhale. It can only work when both partners fully trust each other and feel emotionally safe. It brings a real sense of togetherness.

7. Power-balancing sex

When the power balance in a relationship feels askew, this kind of sex is a deliberate, erotic equaliser. I see it often used in couples, especially when the woman is the high-flying big earner, and the man isn’t on the same level. Think of Nicole Kidman’s character in Babygirl — boss in the boardroom, subordinate in the bedroom. Of course, it also works the other way. In the clinic, I find that men who are powerful at work often like to be bossed about in bed. When you have to run the show at the office, there’s pleasure in not being in charge. And at home, if one partner has carried more financial, emotional or caregiving weight, the other can feel somehow lesser in the relationship. Power-balancing sex restores equality. That role reversal in bed is a satisfying, passionate and positive way of restoring balance.

8. Fantasy-sharing/driven sex

In my experience as a therapist, sharing fantasies and forbidden desires can build trust and emotional nakedness. There are caveats, such as the nature of the fantasy. I’ve had couples in the therapy room who have enacted them literally and others who have shared their fantasies but kept them largely symbolic. Many of the enacted fantasies — such as inviting in a third person — didn’t go well.

In this scenario there is usually one partner who feels like the spare part. But for couples who were creative about it rather than literal, they had wild sex. For example, one couple thought it would be amazing if they could have sex in front of people watching. They didn’t do so — they acted out the scene in private. It created so much intimacy, and gave their sex life new vibrancy and excitement.

9. Reset sex after a ‘drought’

The goal with reset sex is to rebalance the internal rhythm between a couple, to recreate a sense of “us” — usually when there’s been a dry patch and emotional distance. There may have been physical time apart or illness. Initiating intimacy may feel tentative and awkward. But even if sex itself doesn’t happen, nothing is lost because the first approach is part of the process of re-establishing emotional safety. And if you’re brave enough to initiate sex, you’re showing your partner that you want them.

The worst that can happen is rejection — and rejection shouldn’t be seen as defeat. It shouldn’t stop conversation; it should start it. We should see rejection as an information tool, a gateway to open communication. Don’t retreat, don’t argue with your partner’s emotions. Try to understand them. They might simply feel, “I’m not ready.” Your response creates that stepping stone towards intimacy.

10. Forgiveness sex

Sometimes what lies between you is deeper than a row. Perhaps there’s been an affair, physical or emotional, and there’s betrayal, hurt and pain. Forgiveness sex is the embodiment of letting go of long-held resentment and making space for softness and vulnerability to return. Ultimately, forgiveness is always about ourselves, not about the other person. It’s setting ourselves free.

Uniting in this way can be really passionate. It can unleash something powerful — especially in relationships or marriages that have become slightly boring or best-friend-like. Realising someone else finds your partner attractive causes you to look at them anew, reevaluate what your relationship signifies, realise how much you want to hold onto it, and what you need to do for that. The iceberg can thaw a little.

11. Sober sex

Alcohol can soften the hard edges between a couple. As it quiets the internal chatter, you’re more inclined to overlook any niggling irritations or anxieties and go for it. But if you’re always two glasses in before you allow yourself to be physically intimate, you become stuck in a holding pattern where you’re both circling, a little distant. You can’t be fully present and immersed when your senses and emotional capacities are diminished and fuzzied by drink. The advantage is that you don’t risk the feeling of being emotionally exposed. The disadvantage? You never discover if you could become closer. You remain forever in self-protection mode. Don’t fear sober sex. It brings a bolder connection — more real, raw, rewarding — than if you’re glassy-eyed and slobbery with Dutch courage.

Call it conscious intimacy: a deliberate act of closeness and affection. It’s profound, because you connect in body, mind and spirit. And then, can you imagine how good you’d feel about yourselves? Until you try it, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Couples don’t fall apart overnight. They drift, slowly, rupture after rupture until the limits have been reached.

The connection breaks down quietly, often without either partner even noticing that much has changed. Conversations become practical and logistical rather than curious. Touch becomes functional—a quick hug, a peck on the cheek, or completely absent. Time spent together becomes less and less. The comfort and safety are gone, replaced by a flat, lonely feeling.

Feeling disconnected from your partner is quite common in relationships because we’re all human.  Every relationship comes with pressure, distractions, stress, and competing demands. Even the most deeply loving couples can experience times of disconnection—there’s no such thing as “conflict-free”.

What matters is not whether disconnection happens, but how couples respond when it does.

The strongest couples respond with repair, trust and a willingness to work through the issues. When couples acknowledge that all relationships require effort to maintain the connection, they can recognise distance early—before the gap becomes insurmountable—respond with intention rather than reactivity, and work towards the necessary intimacy to reconnect.

Disconnection is a nervous system response, not a relationship failure

When couples drift apart, and the emotional connection starts to fade, the nervous system generally interprets it as a threat. You see, humans are wired for connection, so when that bond unravels, our survival responses switch on.

Some people respond to that survival response with protest: criticising, blaming, and demanding reassurance.

For others, they protect themselves by withdrawing: becoming quiet, distant, busy, unemotional or checking out.

While each response is very different, they are both protective strategies. However, the problem surfaces when couples react to these patterns rather than responding with awareness and sensitivity.

Healthy couples have learned how to pause and reflect. They take note of what is happening internally and regulate themselves before acting externally. Secure couples know how to name the distance without accusation or blame but with trust and honesty.

For example, rather than letting the distance grow between them, they might say something like:

“I feel like we haven’t really connected this week.”

“I miss being with you and feeling close to you.”

“I’ve noticed we’re a bit out of sync lately. I’d like to find some time to spend together and reconnect.”

This ability to respond rather than react is one of the most important markers of long-term relational health and maintaining a healthy connection.

Unspoken distance, on the other hand, wreaks havoc on the nervous system and only leads to great disconnection.

It’s simply not enough to ask, “Is everything OK with you?”

One of the quickest ways to shut down a connection is to frame distance as one partner’s failure. Nothing does that more quickly than putting your partner on the spot by asking, “Is everything OK with you?” If they say yes, there’s no more discussion. If they say no, everyone is put on the defensive. Either way, there’s no “we” in the question.

Healthy couples know to shift the language from ‘you’ to ‘we’.

Instead of:

“You’re barely around anymore, and when you are, you’re not present. You’re always distracted by something.”

They try:

“I feel like we’ve both been spread thin lately and running in different directions. Can we make some time just for us?”

This subtle shift reduces defensiveness and makes it a mutual experience rather than a personal fault.

By approaching the issue as a team rather than “You need to do X, Y and Z”, healthy couples keep intimacy intact and restore a sense of partnership even during the most difficult conversations.

Slow down the reaction cycle

When emotions run high, old patterns are easily triggered, leading to even more conflict. When couples react with criticism, withdrawal, sarcasm, or silence, both partners are likely to shut down.

Couples who maintain strong bonds learn to slow the moment down.

They pause and reflect before speaking.

They breathe and regulate before responding.

They lead with curiosity, asking questions with sensitivity and kindness.

Practising mindfulness can play a really powerful role here. By being present with discomfort rather than rushing to resolve it, we can create more space for empathy, allowing both partners to be seen and heard without increasing tension.

Healthy, secure couples understand that work, stress, parenting, grief, anxiety, and health issues can all create withdrawal, and they don’t take it personally. This is just part of life.

Rather than assuming rejection, they ask caring, open questions like:

“You seem to be under a lot of pressure lately. Do you feel like sharing what’s going on?”

“I just want you to know that I see you’re struggling and I’m here for you. How can I support you? Would you like to talk later today?”

They realise that creating a genuine sense of emotional safety and security for their partner takes work.

Intimacy is more than sex

When one or both partners feel hurt, unseen, or resentful, physical desire is often the first thing to fade. This can be confusing, especially in a culture that tends to treat sex as the primary measure of intimacy.

But intimacy and sex are not the same thing. When intimacy is reduced to sex alone, pressure increases, and desire often retreats even further.

True intimacy is all about connection plus vulnerability.

How do you create intimacy without sex? By no-pressure acts of love to rebuild trust and closeness. Words alone don’t build connection, but small gestures can make a huge difference. That might look like:

• A hug that creates emotional safety

• Feeling valued with thoughtful messages

• Holding hands and kissing without expectations of sex

• Making time for playfulness and laughter

• Being seen, heard and understood

• Staying present by putting down your phone, making eye contact and prioritising time together.

The answer to real intimacy is simple: You have to understand and choose each other, every single day. Secure relationships are built on the understanding that closeness ebbs and flows. Once the safe, emotional connection is restored, sexual desire often naturally follows.

How The Place Retreats Bali can help

All couples experience some level of disconnection in their relationship. Disconnection doesn’t mean love is gone.  But it does mean your relationship needs attention and work to get back to a place of true, loving connection. The difference between couples who bridge that gap and those who throw in the towel is the effort they put into repairing the connection. When that attention is given with care, humility, and safety, connection can return deeper, steadier, and even more resilient than before.

At The Place Retreats, our award-winning couples’ retreats are designed to support reconnection on every level. Through mindfulness, movement, therapeutic support, and intentional shared experiences, couples are guided back toward emotional safety, intimacy, and mutual understanding. Our Balinese tropical sanctuary is designed as more than just a getaway. We offer immersive experiences to help you reconnect with yourself and your partner through mindfulness practices like our full-spectrum breathwork, yoga, meditation, and daily gratitude journaling, as well as specialised therapies such as Shamanic Sound Healing and Personal Growth Tantra.

During your stay at The Place Retreats Bali, you and your partner will learn new skills and participate in guided activities to help you communicate more effectively by practising mindfulness and loving kindness. We offer a wide selection of therapies and healing treatments that encourage authentic connections.

Contact a member of our expert team today to learn how our tailor-made retreats can help you reconnect.

By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 16 January 2026.

Couples fight over money more than sex. The therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet on how to avoid financial incompatibility — and four writers on how they split the bills

Love starts a relationship, but money can determine whether or not it survives. No wonder new research shows that financial compatibility with a partner is as crucial as sexual compatibility, and money causes more rows than sex. It’s true that under financial stress, there’s more danger of love fading because we yearn for security. But even if you have plenty of money, if you can’t agree on how it’s divided, saved or spent, it’s a safe bet that sex will also be in short supply.

In that sense, compatible approaches to money are even more important than sex because consistently being at financial odds is so corrosive to love and desire. Whether it’s one partner’s reckless overspending causing stress or debt, the deliberate use of money to control the other, or resentment over a disparity in earnings and status, money issues kill lust.

Don’t brush money issues under the carpet

When I discuss relationship finances with couples in my practice, certain issues arise again and again, such as a lack of transparency, and fears and expectations around spending and saving that have never been discussed and often remain taboo. Some use money to regulate their emotions, or to maintain a certain power structure in the couple where one is subordinate and controlled — how they organise their finances can reflect how safe or invested they feel in the relationship.

The key questions you need to ask yourselves — and each other

In my clinic, I ask both partners: what does money represent to you in emotional terms — freedom, safety, control or love? What would you be most afraid of if you fully shared your finances with your partner — or if your finances were fully separate?

Whatever model you have chosen, is it serving your relationship, or is it protecting you from it? Is your relationship transactional or emotion-led? What are you in it for? Love without money can be powerful but fragile. Money without love may be stable but empty. It can survive, but it comes at the cost of your soul. The truth, I often find, is that financial and emotional intimacy mirror each other.

Sharing everything can be bonding — but also overwhelming

With one shared bank account only, you create a sort of “we-ness”. For me, that signifies huge relational trust and confidence in having the same long-term goals. These couples experience themselves as a team rather than as two separate units. It’s very grounding and powerfully bonding. But for others, it might feel overwhelming or engulfing.

Are you a couple — or are you roommates?

For couples who have individual accounts only, it’s always interesting to me how they deal with expenses. Is it 50:50 or proportional to incomes? They often tell me they need their “independence” or “personal identity”. I see this most often with people who’ve suffered a divorce where they got financially screwed or there was financial abuse in a previous relationship.

The advantage is that there’s no conflict on spending or control. Each one does what they want. The other can’t say “I think you overspent” or “Did you have to buy that?” Many couples in the therapy room feel that it fosters equality rather than dependency. However, I always say: “Watch out, are you a couple or are you roommates?” Because very often, subconsciously, they are scorekeeping, or there’s some form of competition.

If they want independence and self-sufficiency, I say go for it. But you have to have a really solid, mutually pleasing agreement on who contributes what, and I suggest that it’s proportional to earnings. I really push these couples on how secure and trusting they feel in the relationship because the dynamic around money is often a barometer for emotional intimacy.

If one person earns more, it may lead to tension

As for the hybrid — couples who have a shared account and separate accounts of their own, I find this is good for connection and autonomy. It allows for individuality, yet it doesn’t dominate the relationship dynamic. It comes with its own challenges, though. If one is the bigger earner, there can be tension — will the lower earner be able to count on the higher earner if there’s a big expense or something goes awry?

Are arguments about money hiding a deeper problem?

While lack of money, just like lack of sex, can often be the death knell for a relationship, time and time again, I have seen that the more money there is in the relationship (especially when there’s a huge difference in earnings), the fewer emotional returns there may be. Couples get caught up in buying houses, travel, and holidays — but don’t focus on the relationship they share.

When couples fight about money, they need to ask themselves: are they fighting about the matter at hand, or what money represents in their relationship? Is it control versus trust? Is it material versus emotional investment? Is it security versus freedom?

Of course, how couples arrange their finances is deeply personal. What suits the Smiths might not suit the Joneses. But if people ask me, “How do you see the relationship between love and money?” I always say: “In a relationship, love is essential. Money is contextual. But alignment between the two is everything.”

By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 09 January 2026.

If drink has become the third wheel in your marriage, therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet has some advice

We like to fool ourselves when it comes to alcohol. We know a large section of the population drinks too much, but it’s never us. Couples tell me in clinic, “We enjoy the finer things, a glass of good wine — or five.” Or that the prompt “we both deserve a drink” is a daily ritual. They’ll assure me, and each other, “at least we’re not as bad as so-and-so”.

But before we look at how much is “too much”, couples need to first identify the reasons why they drink and the function of alcohol in their relationship. It can be complicated, but if we want our habits and happiness to improve, that’s where it starts.

Is one of you drinking too much?

Sometimes one drink is too much. But for me, as a therapist, the most pressing questions are why and when you drink. Do you use alcohol to manage your emotions or cope with stress? Are you using it to avoid intimacy or conflict with your partner? What’s your motivation? If drinking is the only way you can connect or switch off, then you have a problem.

And I notice in the clinic that when both partners drink, it often becomes the default button for relaxing or bonding. One gets home from work and says, “Darling, join me in a glass to wind down?” It becomes a ritual. That, for me, needs a closer look. As for units, the amount of alcohol in a glass can be deceptive. And once a bottle is open, it can be a struggle not to finish it.

Are you normalising one another’s alcohol dependence?

If I point out that people are drinking a lot of units, I hear justifications such as “work is stressful” or “we just have a bottle or two with dinner” or “we’re not drinking rubbish”. People, especially in couples, can mask a dependency on alcohol by normalising the habit — and by sharing it. Neither drinks alone. They put out some olives, open a pomerol and call themselves foodies. The question I ask is, “Do either of you feel able to stop?”

If there is a reliance, people get defensive — “Why should we stop? We’re not drink-driving!” I also ask, “Would you support each other if one of you decided to stop?” Booze can feel like an easy way to bond until one day it’s no longer an option, it’s just what you do. We need to look at the underlying reasons why people enable others’ dependence — often it’s to enable their own.

In your relationship, what does Dry January shine a light on?

Dry January provides a wonderful opportunity to look at a couple’s routines, connection, how they manage conflict and whether any of this needs to involve alcohol. How much discomfort will they experience from abstinence? We can measure their emotional dependence. Thirty-one days without booze can reveal how you cope with not having alcohol. How will you handle stress, emotional discomfort, or difficulty? You don’t need to have a physical dependence on alcohol to have an emotional reliance — and that’s still an issue.

Many people use alcohol to balance their emotions, to calm themselves, to dull their anger — even though it can bring it out — to avoid conflict, to relax or to overcome a barrier that might stand in the way of physical intimacy.

Alcohol and sex — you might think it helps, but it doesn’t

Booze can reduce nerves or performance anxiety, but if you keep drinking, it will interfere with arousal, libido, orgasm quality, lubrication, performance and erections. It also blunts the emotional connection, responsiveness and the feedback loop that exists in sex. Sex can be amazingly bonding, but if you’re under the influence and all you’re looking for is an orgasm, that does little for either. Alcohol might increase lust, but it dulls desire. It will lessen sexual confidence and closeness. To deepen intimacy, you need to feel present and connected. If you can’t remember what happened the next morning, you only widen the distance between you.

When did you last have sober sex?

When people are young and dating, they might drink to reduce inhibitions. But it dulls our capacity to be present and our sensitivity, diminishing emotional connection. I ask couples, “When you need alcohol to have sex, can we consider what that is covering?” Is it anxiety about intimacy, worries about performance or not really wanting sex and needing alcohol to blunt the senses to make it possible?

Many couples find this confrontational, but my aim is to help them connect at a deeper level. What do they think sober sex would feel like? That question can clarify the fear. I might give them homework — to have sex without drinking. If they stick with it, they learn to know each other in a different way, which is more rewarding.

When one partner decides to give up alcohol, it can send shock waves through the marriage

If the role of alcohol in the relationship has been significant, it can deeply unsettle the marriage when one partner stops drinking. The other might fear that they’ll no longer be able to connect, socialise, have fun, or that the quitter’s personality will change. And if they can’t or don’t want to stop, unspoken questions include: “What does that say about me?” “Are they expecting me to quit?” “Will this change our relationship?” They can feel judged — then guilt can kick in, or even resentment.

If there’s silence and secrecy, it’s obviously not good for the relationship, and shame can grow. I say to clients that this shows there’s something that you haven’t talked about — and why not use this change as a doorway to a healthier, more honest dynamic?

How much is too much? You both have a glass (or two) after work most nights — is that OK?

A lot of couples tell me, “We drink moderately, we’re not alcoholics.” My response is, is it possible not to drink, or has it become a non-negotiable? Could you go without alcohol most nights and not feel irritation, tension, or disappointment?

We have to ask what role alcohol plays for you and in the relationship. Ask yourself if it is numbing emotional pain you can’t discuss with your partner. If your partner drinks their feelings instead of sharing them, do you mirror his or her behaviour and drink as well, to numb the sadness of not being able to talk about the distance between you? As I explain to clients, I just want you to be clear about what you are doing and why you are doing it. What is it about?

Do you both need to give up drinking if one of you decides to?

I’m often asked this in the clinic, and I compare it to both partners smoking and one giving up. Are you going to support your partner or not? I’ll say, “Perhaps the other partner could not drink at home.” And can you find other things to do together — at home and socially — that don’t involve alcohol? Cook together, work out together. If you habitually go to the pub on Friday night, could you change that? Go to a comedy night, perhaps, and do something else together that’s fun for both of you instead.

If a partner won’t make any concessions for the one who’s quit, it’s selfish. You’re potentially setting them up to fail. Your behaviour doesn’t need to be identical, but if you can’t show respect and empathy, that’s a problem. If you’re essentially undermining their efforts, it suggests you have a dependency problem yourself.

You think your partner drinks too much, but they disagree — what can you do?

Whatever amount your partner is drinking, don’t say “you drink too much” and don’t call them an alcoholic. No labels, please. This just induces guilt and shame, and the conversation will not end well. Instead, explain the impact it has on you. Talk about how it makes you feel, how it affects the relationship and your shared life.

All you can do is set boundaries around what you can and can’t live with. You might say, “I’m willing to accept that you drink when we go out, but if you drink at home, I’d rather it wasn’t more than two beers — after that, it feels as though you cut me off. It’s lonely.” Be honest. Tell your partner what you need to feel connected.

Do your partner’s friends have an effect on their drinking? What to do about it

Social environments shape behaviour. There are plenty of people old enough to know better for whom drinking signals being part of the group, and any member trying to stop will receive a hostile reception. If that’s the case, you might need to help your partner shift the emphasis of their social life. If your partner knows they’ll end up drinking in the pub, can they have the imagination and confidence to suggest to friends a switch of location and situation — play golf, tennis, football, meet for a swim, sauna or coffee?

Peer pressure can be fierce, but ultimately, to drink or not is your choice — what does it say about you that you feel obliged to follow others when it doesn’t suit you? What does it say about them if they all but force you? If you know what’s good for you, and your friends aren’t supporting you, reconsider your friendships. Partners should go carefully on this subject, though — avoid hectoring or being confrontational.

How to start the conversation if you think your partner drinks too much

A conversation about anyone’s problem drinking is very difficult. My first rule is, please don’t say a word either during or after drinking, and definitely not during a row.

Try to find a calm, neutral moment. Speak from your own experience and don’t diagnose the other person. Do try to be a little bit of a therapist, though, in staying curious. There should be no blaming. Do not become a prosecutor. Emphasise that you are trying to protect the relationship and you are thinking about what you both could do that’s better for you as a couple. Be self-aware, acknowledge the part you’ve played in this. You’re not staging an “intervention” — being brutal and blunt doesn’t work.

If it’s appropriate to suggest professional support, stress that you’re not saying this to diminish the other person but because you’d like to strengthen the relationship.